The light was fantastic.

I stepped out of the Villa doors and into what appeared to me to be a large white cuboid. When I came to after seconds or hours of some vast journey I was in a room decked entirely in white.

The four crow faced tribe members beckoned me to sit at a large formica table shaped like a lizard. I was seated, though I do not remember how.

As before the four crow faces spoke as one;

"BOB, YOU ART HERE TO SEEK HELP IN THE REAPING YOUR FRIEND FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THE SAND VILLAIN SPAZMO"

"Er that's right aye."

Nothing more was said for some time. The four crow faces locked themselves into some deep discussion.

I became aware for the first time that a man lay in a corner of the cuboid. He was dressed in sack cloth and clutched his knees close to his chest. He was mumbling, to my horror his face looked familiar.

I walked over to him and shook him by the shoulder.

"Hi. Hello."

He looked up, purple rings ran around his eyes. His face puffy from a lifetime of sobbing.

"Who are you?" I asked this destroyed man.

"You look familiar to me. Have we met?"

He did not answer but burst into a flight of tears.

"DO NOT DISTURB JEREMY. HE HAS HAD TOO MUCH SADNESS IN HIS LIFE TO SPEAK ANOTHER WORD TO YOU OR ANYONE ELSE."

The four crows had turned from their conference and were eyeing me with their bird holes.

"Who is he? Why is he here?"

"THAT IS NOT YOUR CONCERN BOB OF RAMBLING. YOU MUST CONCENTRATE UPON YOUR OWN TROUBLES."

"That's all well and good, but surely the man is in need of a little comforting."

"MR KYLE IS FINE WHERE HE IS. LEAVE HIM BE."

They turned back to their discussion. I recognised the man's name. I decided to risk another go.

"Mr Kyle, Mr Kyle. My name is Bob Rambling. Perhaps I can be of some assistance?"

He looked aslant at the crows and began in hushed whisper like droplets of semen in a IVF lab.

"My...my name is Jeremy Kyle. Six years ago...I came home to my flat in London and found these crow faced men in my house. They had with them a doppleganger of me. This double they placed in my life. And me, the real Jeremy Kyle they brought here to this white hell...Run while you can...."

"Of course I recognised you. You are a presenter of that low life's paradise on weekday mornings on ITV1."

"...That's just it Mr Rambling. The man they have put in my place in the real world is not me. I was a serious investigative journalist. My show would be the TV equivalent of the writings of Pilger or Monbiot. Look what they've done to me. They've turned me into a referee for council dwellers with cold sores to fight with one another on national television. Even if I could return...my life as a serious journalist is over...they've ruined my life...they'll do the same to you..."

"But why? Why would they swap you for an imbecile Jeremy?"

"Their mission, from what I have learned is to turn the world into an idiot's paradise. The great Knuckle Drag, as they call their work, is firmly under way. They did the same to Mr Vernon Kay. He was to publish his remarkable study of irrigation for the third world to a UN delegation when these crows swapped him for that Lego headed buffoon who takes Mr Kay's place..."

"But they're supposed to be helping me..."

"They help no one but themselves Mr Rambling. You must escape from here or the same idiotic swap will take form in your life. The idiots will rule the world and there's no one who can stop them."

I was shocked and stumbled back from Kyle, I heard a chair falling over and the four Crows loomed large over me. They had expanded to three times their size, and giant wings thrust out from their hideous bodies...they moved forward...

I threw myself against a side of the cuboid but nothing happened, I bounced back to within an inch of their grasp.

"YOU CANNOT ESCAPE RAMBLING. SOON YOU WILL JOIN THE LEGIONS OF IDIOTS. THE NAME OF RAMBLING BOB WILL BECOME SYNONYMOUS WITH ALL THINGS RIDICULOUS...YOU CANNOT ESCAPE FROM THE GREAT KNUCKLE DRAG..."

They moved forward. I had to think quickly if I were to avoid the idiot's fate of Jeremy Kyle and Vernon Kay BA Hons.

Then a great bell rang out and the crows flew back in shock...

Something was happening inside the cuboid...

07/09/06

Fuck knows.